Release the TV Hounds!

by Wesley Steinberg

Why do kids plaster their faces in front of the TV for hours on end? Why do they invariably slip into a coma when they tune into their favorite programs? And why do they change whenever you try to release them from their self-imposed virtual prison? I try to remember why I did it when I was younger, but I keep slamming into a powerful mental force field. I just can't recall!

"Release the hounds!"

Kids are like hounds nipping at a hand that tries to take away their food whenever you enter their TV world and interfere with that new episode of Sabrina they've been dying to see. TV hounds. They change like werewolves as soon as their eyes focus on the screen, and suddenly you have a monster on your hands. If you have more than one child, you find yourself in the midst of a pack of them. Watch out for the pack! Especially when they can't seem to agree on what they want to see. Stay away from them. Shun them. Never let them gather in large numbers. They will tear each other apart for their favorite show, and anyone else that gets near them.

Think about the werewolf analogy. It's pretty close to the mark.

Werewolves are transformed into irrational, snarling creatures by the light of the full moon. TV hounds change in much the same way, by the light which radiates from the TV screen. Werewolves stalk their prey by night. TV hounds stalk the living room night and day, searching for the ultimate program. Werewolves are dangerous when confronted. TV hounds are equally deadly, especially when you try to pry the remote control from their clutched fingers. Werewolves only exist in myths and legends. TV hounds exist at my house. There are three of them. And only one TV.

So, what do you do? How do you keep your kids from becoming TV hounds in the first place? Take away the TV? Hard to do. There are a lot of neat things available on TV today. The trick is to keep them from becoming addicted. And that's harder to do. I'll admit I haven't been all that successful with keeping my TV hounds at bay. But I'm working on it.

"Hey, Kids! What do you say we go for a walk?"

"Our show is on, Dad."

"Well, how about after?"

"Saved By the Bell is on after that. It's going to be a good one. Screech loses his comb during a

class field trip and the gang gets into all kinds of trouble trying to find it."

"You could tape it while we take a walk, and watch it tomorrow after school. Then, after our walk,

I thought you guys could help me with the chores around the house."

"Dad, we can't watch it tomorrow. Men in Black is on after school every day. Then the Fresh Prince is on. We just don't have time for taped shows or cleaning."

"Look, Kids..."

"Back away from the remote, Dad. I'd hate to have to rip your throat out right in the middle of The Simpsons. Right, girls?"

"Grrrrrrrrrr..."

"You know, Kids, I think your mom would love to take a walk with me and help me with the chores. You guys just carry on."

"Excellent decision, Dad."

"Woof!"

Like I said, I'm working on it.
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