Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Teenager Gone?
by Wesley Steinberg

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Teenager Gone?
Oh Where, Oh Where Can She Be?
With Her Dress Cut Short
And Her Hair So Long,
Oh Where, Oh Where Has She Gone?

It's summer. The temperature is high (inside and outside of my collar), the sky is an azure blue. I hear birds singing in the trees. And they hear me singing the aforementioned song--on a daily flippin' basis!

My oldest daughter is stretching her teenager legs (and my fatherly patience) by hanging out regularly with her many friends. And I do mean many. If John Dean had had this many friends, he never would have seen the inside of a jail cell. I know I'm rather a boring father, wanting her to spend some (Yuck!) time with her family, and I don't mind if she goes out to visit once-in-a-while, but how much is enough? How long is too long? When will my teenager come home?

The curfew my wife and I set for my daughter is 10 PM. For a 15 year-old, I think that's pretty darned progressive, completely 90's. I think it's reasonable. My wife thinks it's reasonable. The dog thinks it's reasonable. Everyone, that is, except my daughter. It doesn't bother her to call and ask for an extension on her curfew night after night. The first couple of times I let her stay later, mainly because I was so happy she even called! I let her know I was proud of her for calling and to please enjoy her reward. But that wasn't enough. She wasn't content. She did not bask in her father's love and cool justice for long. No. She became even more insistent, more demanding. She wanted to stay later every night! I thought if you give your kids a little freedom, praise them when they do right, they will respond by respecting the very behavior you're trying to teach them. It works for the dog. Apparently not for teenagers.

When I began saying no to her requests to stay later, she began giving me reasons why she had to stay later. Man, they were whoppers! David Letterman has nothing on my daughter when it comes to making stuff up. After that she just stopped calling altogether and strolled in when she wanted to, at which time she'd come up with still more reasons why she did it. Yowsah!

Top Ten Reasons My Daughter Gives When She Wants To Stay Past Her Curfew

10. I'm watching a movie with my friend and it's not over yet.

9. My friends and I are having a science discussion and we have to look up something in the encyclopedia.

8. I tried to call but Amanda's mom took her phone away because she was calling me too much.

7. One of my girlfriends just came back from out of town and I just have to speak to her, Dad!

6. I saw this bright, circular object moving in the sky while walking home. Really!

5. I had to help Crystal walk her dog after her accident with the fence. The dog, not Crystal.

4. You must have turned the phone off, Dad!

3. My vision blurred and I wasn't able to see the buttons clearly enough to use the phone. Do you think I need a checkup?

2. What? Come home and miss The Simpsons?

1. It's boring at home!

Having a teenager in the house is like having chicken pox. You don't know how you got 'em or how to take care of 'em. You feel exhausted without really being too sick, and you're always in the dark. And everyone who looks at your face knows you have 'em! There is no cure. You just have to sweat it out.
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