Computer Wars
by Wesley Steinberg

Consider the computer. It is one of the greatest inventions of this century. It touches the lives of millions of people every day. Like the telephone, the computer is a tool we just can't seem to live without. Every member of the family uses it at one time or another during the day. Yet most families can only afford one computer per household. This can lead to problems. At my house, sharing one computer among five people can lead to war!

I use the computer primarily for writing. I link up with the Internet to do research and to see what's going on in the world. Being a work vampire, my computer time is rather limited in the mornings. Unfortunately, that's the only time I have the computer to myself, while my wife and kids are at school. Therein lies the irony. I'm home from work. I'm tired. I'm wrestling with the kids to get them to school. I'm tired. I sit down at the keyboard and fall asleep in my chair. Man, I'm tired!

So, I attempt to write when I get up in the afternoon. "Attempt" is the operative word here. My wife also uses the computer. She's on this Internet mailing list for teaching ideas, and she has to go through her e-mails (about a hundred a day!) and print out and file the good ones; she also writes a lot of publishing documents for her class projects. So here we are, both of us home at the same time, both of us heating up to use the computer. We square off like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, our light sabers blazing, my wife's breathing apparatus deafening in my ears. (Hey, I'm the good guy here!) Sometimes I get to the keyboard first. Mostly I'm still groggy from just waking up and old Darth just slips right on in.

"Are you going on the computer now, Dear?"

"Yes, I have a lot of e-mails to go through."

"But I have some writing to do, and I have to get this week's article for ChildFun out soon."

"Don't worry. It shouldn't take too long. I only have 335 e-mails to read."

And then I look deep into her eyes and say, "You don't need to look at your e-mails today. You read them all yesterday. These aren't the e-mails you're looking for. Move along."

All she does is turn on the computer and says, "You're not a Jedi, Wes. Those mind tricks don't work on people. Get your hands off the keyboard or I'll break your fingers!"

Dark Lord wives can be touchy at times.

Then there are the kids. They don't spend a lot of time on the computer, but the time they spend usually coincides with my weekend writing time. They are like Jawas. They approach me with a "bargain" well before my scheduled writing time. A bargain they have no intention of honouring.

"Can we use the computer, Dad?"

"I guess so, but just for an hour, then I have to get writing."

"Okay, we'll be done." Then they swarm all over my computer and refuse to give it back. What a shock!

"It's time, girls. I need my computer back."

"But we want to finish Barbie's Hairstyler. Just a little while longer. Pleeeeeease."

I hate it when they get all whiney and Jawa-chirpy. Ick!

"What are you trying to push on me? Time's up. Luke must have his computer!"
Then Darth shows up to blast those naughty little Jawas off the computer. "Your father needs the computer, girls, now close down." And they do it. Wow! Old Darth saves the day! Now I can get to work.

"Thanks, Darth...ah, Dear."

"That's okay, Hon. And I'm sure you won't mind if I just take a few minutes to finish my newsletter for school. Okay? Thanks."

As I sit in my bedroom in the fading light--watching my Sith Lord wife tap away at the computer keyboard during my writing time, and listening to my Jawas chattering loudly in the living room--all I can think about is traveling to the far side of the Galaxy with Han Solo, Chewbacca, Leia, C-3PO and Artoo, risking infinite dangers and fighting crazed alien beasts for the holy grail of writers everywhere, the one thing that will make my life complete and make me truly believe that the Force is with me: My very own computer!
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