Marshmallow Science - From Dad's Point of View
by Bob Schwartz
I have finally achieved my purpose in life. I've come up with a startling and monumental discovery as it concerns one's personality. A means for determining one's natural disposition lies directly within the kitchen cupboard.
I don't mean that box of brown sugar that has sat in there for the last few years and now has the consistency of fused brick. Rather, who would have thought that a confection originally derived from the root of the mallow plant would eventually turn into a tool for personality testing. The root of one's personality, to some degree, is actually in the marshmallow root.
Don't tell me about Freud, the Rorshach method or the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. Pop psychology takes a back seat to a new twist on the modern marshmallow. The key in determining one's temparment, creativity, their desire to go for the gusto or go with the flow is directly related to the manner and method by which they roast a marshmallow.
You don't need to examine their gene pool, enviroment or astrological stars. Just look toward the bonfire and recognize the significance of Marshmallow Science.
The pertinent categories, are as follows:
Pyrotechnic Preparers - These individuals are those who stick the marshmallow directly into the flame, rapidly burn it to a crisp and then immediately plop the whole thing directly in their mouth as it singes their tongue.
No pussyfooting around. The whole process is usually completed in 1.6 seconds. Speed wins out over substance as they create a little marshmallow inferno. They consume life with abandon and enjoy all the gastric pleasures. Their bumper sticker will read, "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian."
Time Taking Tanners - These individuals are deliberate, methodical, and indefatigable. They slowly, cautiously and circumspectly tan the entire marshmallow to the same perfect and delicate shade.
If one side becomes too dark, then it's time to begin the struggle anew to get it right. Very meticulous. Only one marshmallow, as they don't want to overdo it. Their bumper sticker will read, "I intend to live forever - so far, so good."
Tanners, But with Less Resolve - These individuals attempt to be slow and deliberate tanners, but ultimately wind up burning the marshmallow as impatience takes over from methodical roasting. They are more impulsive and spontaneous.
They roll with the punches, as a slightly burnt marshmallow that falls to the ground and is now sprinkled with a few sand particles is better than no marshmallow at all. Hey, a little natural fiber is good for you. Their bumper sticker will read, "No matter where I go in life, I'm there."
Biroasters - These individuals can go various ways but are never sure exactly what they want. Should I burn? Should I slightly tan? Do I even like marshmallows?
They are somewhat indecisive and have difficulty with commitment. They marry later in life. No matter how their marshmallow turns out, they are usually successful in convincing themselves it's exactly as they wanted. Their bumper sticker will read, "I used to think I was indecisive. Now, I'm not so sure."
Can't We Have S'mores - It's never enough for these individuals. Always looking for just a little bit extra. The roasted marshmallow isn't sufficient as they now want chocolate and graham crackers as well. Their bumper sticker reads, "Why be difficult, when, with a little effort, you can be impossible." Thus is the art of the marshmallow roaster in determining one's human nature. And when I get my Nobel Prize in Science for this miraculous psychological discovery, well, you read it here first.
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