Banned From the Video Store

 

Back in B.C. (before children), I never noticed there were no children in the video stores where I rented movies. Now that it's A.C. (after children) I know why. Tuesday night I took my kids out for a pizza. My eight year old daughter spotted the video store across the street and suggested what a great idea it would be to rent a couple movies. She mentioned, very loudly, that I'm always griping about spending so much money and that it's cheaper to rent one than buy one. Experience has taught me that taking my four year old son anywhere is a bad idea. But, okay, we'd give it a try.

Before going in, my son assured me he would stay with me. Yeah, right. I don't go anywhere that doesn't have a large cart with a seatbelt. He has to be roped into it, like a steer in a rodeo. Getting into the store was a major ordeal in itself. My son was decidedly not going to hold my hand, so I held the lower part of his arm firmly, while he screamed and tried to wrench free. Only about thirty people were staring. None of them had children with them. We get through the door, with the kids fighting about who gets to go first. My daughter won, sending my son into a temper tantrum. So now I am carrying a screaming boy in my arms. Stupid me, I forgot he had cowboy boots on. I scored two new bruises.

My daughter disappeared somewhere in the fifty aisles of videos that all looked the same to me. I figured she'd find me shortly, begging for the commercialized goodies for sale near the kids, videos. I started my search for a video, praying that my arms hold out while carrying a forty pound wrestling alligator. I quickly chose a video for myself and one for my children. At that moment my son wet himself, er, us. Okay, he won, I set him down. He ran off, laughing. It was definitely time to go home.

My daughter found me searching for my son in the back aisles. She had no less than eight items in her hands. Would I buy her this? No. How about this one? No. Could she have just one? No! I heard my son laughing hysterically from somewhere in the store, then I hear the emergency door alarm sound. I looked up near the ceiling to pinpoint the aisle of the exit sign and take off that way. Tripping over thirty Rugrat dolls, which I was sure was his doing, I finally cornered him and scooped him up. Then we were pounced upon by a pimply preteen with a name badge on. He wanted me to write down my name and phone number for the alarm company, to verify the alarm was set off by a child. Looking him straight in the eye, I asked if he really wanted me to put my son down. He grinned and said it had to be in my handwriting. Great, okay. I handed him my wet son, with an evil grin on my face and wrote it down for him. Then off we went to the checkout. Wait, I,d forgotten the other kid. Oh, she was already there, picking out twenty kinds of candy she thought she was going to get. Ha!

It was 8:00 o'clock at night and there were only sixteen people ahead of me in line. I no longer wanted to watch a movie. I wanted a plane ticket to Hawaii, one way, single ticket only, please. But, I'd already survived this much, I figured I could survive. Wrong. My son spotted the candy. I said ,,no candy(per thousand) at least a hundred times by the time I finally got up to the front of the line. My darling children were complaining and arguing and poking and pinching the entire time. Yes, everyone there was laughing at me, wondering why I,d be dumb enough to bring my kids in. I've banned my children from the video store, until they have their own children. Next time, I'll hire a sitter and go to a theatre, by myself. Did I mention my kids had a fight getting in the car to go home? Something about who got to put their seatbelt on first. Ah, the joys of motherhood.

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