If you want to make a good impression at a party, hands-down, you need some good jokes to entertain the crowd. But seriously, let’s look at a few hand jokes to give you a good laugh.
Hand puns one-liners
How many bones are there in a human hand? Umm, around a handful, maybe?
What are the best names for your watchdogs? Timex and Rolex.
What did the cop say to the hand? You’re coming with me. I’m placing you under a-wrist.
What is the rudest thing you can say to someone who has lost digits? We’re crossing our fingers for you.
What tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
What does the Pope use when drying his hands? A papal towel.
What do you call a vocalist that’s singing with the hand shower? A Faucetto.
Which is the best hand to write a letter with? Neither. You should always write letters with a pen.
Why can’t people without hands tell you what’s wrong with this picture? They can’t quite put their finger on it.
Why can’t a T-rex clap its hands? Because it’s extinct.
Why doesn’t the elbow get credit for bending the arm? Because it requires a joint effort.
Why do fingers refuse to agree with thumbs? Because thumbs are opposable.
Why do fingers have a reputation as a reliable body part? Because you can count on them.
Why is beef’s handwriting bad? Because it’s jerky.
How do you wash your hands for Christmas dinner? With hand Santatizer.
How did the hipster burn his hand? He tried to change the lightbulb before it was cool.
Broken/injured hand jokes
Did you hear about the man that had a broken hand? He hasn’t been feeling himself lately.
I was surprised to fail at No Nut November this early and with a broken hand. It’s just hard to come to grips with it.
If you have 10 cookies and someone takes one, how many do they have? One and a black eye.
My doctor gave me a note saying I had broken my hand. He couldn’t look at me. It was hard to grasp the situation.
I took an x-ray to see if I had broken my hand. The results were negative
Broke my finger today. On the other hand, I’m okay.
One hand jokes
I got a pair of leather gloves today, but they’re both ‘left.’ On the one hand, that’s great, but it’s not right on the other.
Why did the man with only one hand cross the road? To reach the secondhand shop.
What do you call a woman with a duster in one hand, a brush in her other, a spade on one foot, and a saw in the other? A Swiss army wife.
If I have three oranges in one hand and four in the other, what do I have? Very large hands.
If you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other, what do you have? Total control over Kermit the frog.
A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with a single hand. The nurse said if he used both, it would be better.
Small hand jokes
What would Donald Trump’s mafia nickname be if he was part of the mob? Donny Small Hands.
How come Apple products have such small transistors in the device? Well, Chinese children have very small hands.
Why does it take 100 mink to make a beautiful fur coat? Because they’re lazy and have small hands!
Big hands jokes
I bought a clock, and the big hand broke off. I didn’t want to toss it out, so I just added “ish” to all the numbers.
I made a clock with knives. The small hand is a paring knife, and the big hand is a butcher’s knife. The clock face is a sharpening stone, so you know there’s never a dull moment looking at the time.
Do you know what they say about having big feet and hands? Two out of three isn’t bad!
Missing hand jokes
Being an Amputee is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
How does an amputee play with themselves? Singlehandedly.
